What people won’t tell you about adulthood is this: it’s very very complex. Okay. Actually everyone says that. Now I do, too; for I am a dysfunctional adult.

One thing to keep in mind when looking at adulthood objectively is that it is a product of childhood. A childhood that is spent largely in the company of other adults who live a life of their childhood’s consequences. What changes in each generational iteration is simply the response to the complexity. I am currently finding mine. I am looking for a response that not only will help me solve the complex adulthood but also help me prepare a manual of sort for the upcoming generation.

You see, the problem is not that I do not know how to function like an adult. The problem is when the world expects an adult, well thought-out response to the life’s problems. I have none. I do not know why. Maybe I am not good at adulting.

While I look for the answers, have a happy evening, world.

I learned something about myself today: I cannot get myself to work on something until I know why I would be doing it.

As obvious as it may sound, I have been unable to do several tasks. I have not come even close to doing what I was asked to do or things that I was supposed to do; tasks that are very obviously important, at least to those who assigned them to me. And I actually concur with the importance, but even then I have not been able to do those tasks, and I always wondered why.

Why am I not doing this? Why am I not participating? Am I avoiding it on purpose? Is it because I am afraid to fail? Am I afraid to disappoint – me or those around me?

Maybe.

Maybe I am indeed afraid of that. Or.. I am just so selfish that I need to first see what’s in it for me before I do any of those tasks at all. If I am selfish, is that so bad? I mean aren’t we all selfish in varying degrees? Aren’t we all supposed to be?

Whatever the cause may be, and however important it be, I have just learned something about me that is fundamental to concluding who I am. This revelation that I cannot get myself to work on something until I know why I would be doing it, is an essential piece, perhaps the most essential, to this puzzle that is my personality.

It baffles me. The smartest species of Earth celebrating its orbit around Sun, once a year, like clockwork (ha!), like they had something to do with it. Did they? Am I missing something here? Of course they didn’t. We did not. We simply decided, we will celebrate the arbitrary accomplishment, our planet’s that is, at an arbitrary hour of an arbitrary day of an arbitrary month of an arbitrary year.

I am writing this, away from all the gatherings of New Year’s Eve celebration, with this one question that is bothering me right now: Why today?

Today is 31st of December.

Last day of the Gregorian Calendar. I am Hindu. We welcomed a new-year about a gregorian-month-and-a-half ago, and my Chinese roommate welcomed a Chinese one about a month before then. So apart from those 2 billion humans, the rest are welcoming another one today. Which then begs the question: Why today? In fact, why any day? Why celebrate an arbitrary astronomical fact.

But to perform my humanly duty, Happy New Year, world.

­­­­Lately, I have been struggling to keep my head down. I know I am prone to procrastination but lately, it has gotten worse. Extreme procrastination is the new norm. I am struggling to focus. I am struggling to.. come up with words to describe why I am procrastinating.

Like every other human being, I want to feel happy. I want to feel content. I want to be successful. But I feel like, I am neither of those things, or is it just that I am not content with what I am, or have achieved, so far.

Life is just going by me, like a river. I am struggling to withstand the current. I fear I will slip and fall down. Should I exit the river? Or engage such that I cannot fall down?

Anyway, while I look for answers, Happy Valentine’s Day, world.